This is a vent post. A very embarrassing, cringey, and hard to understand read.

I am immensely crippled by social anxiety. I'm not sure if this is actually true or not, but I think this is the lowest point of my entire life right now. First of all, I can logically deduce that this is just a direct reaction to my own failings and that's why I feel down, but logic be damned because how does that help how I feel. First domino was around the early parts of this month when I was editing my voice for my video and I hated every single line I spoke, I hated my voice so much. So I re-recorded my voice, and while it was better, I still felt nothing but disgust for the way I talked. I eventually talked myself into "this is the best I could do for now" which, maybe I could phrase it better but it was enough to make me feel neutral with it.

And that took me until the middle of the month of editing where I just flat out realised that I lacked the drive I once had to make this video and that since I am working both with new tools, and after 7 months of not touching an editing software, this video wasn't going to happen in time. So I pivoted to another video idea I intially felt passion for, a monthly media series. And so I recorded that on the 21st and it was probably the single most awful recording session I have ever had. It's unscripted, just a couple of thoughts, facts, and pointers to guide me, but I am just inept at talking off the cuff like that.

That's when the fact that I have never spoken about my interests with anyone in over 10 years came back and hit me. I really do mean it's been like 10 years too, when me and my friend in school really wanted to make youtube videos and collabed a couple of times. It was the last time I shared my passion with someone. I've had maybe a total of 3 hours of sharing my passions with people within that 10 year gap though, but it never lasted long because I was just so full of adrenaline being in such a conversation to begin with that I was definately not a fun person to talk to. So I have not only lost my social skills from at least 6 years of being a shut-in, but also I have weak vocal cords from being a NEAR selective-mutism person in school. And now I lost the brain capacity to hold a conversation.

I never want to say it's impossible for people with social disabilities to communicate with others, because that is straight up untrue. I have watched a fair share of Special Books by Special Kids and if your willing to meet with others are their own terms and within their ways that they are comfortable communicating in, everyone can have a connection. So, I never want to say to give up or not socialize, but I always make an acception for myself. It's beyond fucked up, and I'm a terrible person for thinking that one person shouldn't even try to better themselves, but I truly believe there is no hope for me.

At this point in my life, it's been so long since I socialized and conversated with others, that It's going to take the rest of my entire life to be at an adequate level with my social skills. So with that triple whammy of bad (self-made) events, the final nail in the coffin was simple. I embarrassed myself. Well there's mini things too like being my lethargic self because I can't walk my dog because his paw is injured, and being put in a social environment at work and watching others talk to another and me being idle and silent, also doing awful physical labor again that my frail body can barely handle, and having to have others fix my countless mistakes. But I'm used to being a fuck-up and embarrassment at work, at least I know that I'll only be thought about during the workshift and will be forgotten as soon as the day is over.

So when I say embarrassment, I mean within myself, because people DO think about you, but not this super psycho-analytical way though. I've been in several Discord servers in the past two months, and for a while I was actually pretty proud at the fact that I made like 10 posts across 4 servers in these 2 months. But my post anxiety never got much better, it slightly improved but I still take multiple hours to work up the courage to post. So I was doing the same thing again where I take a picture and stall for 5 hours until I post a picture and a caption on some server. Normally I do get a smile when someone responds to it, like "Wow, this person took time out of their day and lives to respond to me! Thank you!" and yeah, that is a nice feeling and one I'm not used to. And this exact thing happened again, but as I read it... It felt awful. The message was nice and pleasent, no ill intent at all, but I just realized something about myself. That's all there is to it.

What am I doing? What is the point? I'm wasting peoples time. I must feel like an obligation to respond to. I'm a waste of space. All self-deprication aside, what got me was the fact that it was very apparent that there would be no conversation to be had with me. Entirely my fault, because that's also when I realized how much of a terrible person I was since it clicked that I had a goal and agenda with each post I made. I wanted others to conversate with me. I was going in to all these posts with an expectation that others would have to fill. I'm being completely honest when I say this, I never once held any resentment for negative emotions for anyone who responded to me, not even once. They are kind enough to take time out of their day to respond to me. It's sad I feel the need to say that because of how many people online get involved with horrible communities and ideologies, I'm lucky that I had that happen to me as a teen and I once said something about those beliefs to another, and felt such great shame, that I immediately regreted saying it and stopped listening to people who spread negative mindsets like that.

But I'm not an easy person to talk to, I never once had an aura of a friendly or open person, of course people wouldn't seek to conversate with me, I have massive baggage I'm carrying! So all of the fault lies with me, and myself alone, nothing new there. I could logically understand that being self-depricating is bad for your self-esteem, like verbalizing that to your brain will reinforce that as "true" in your mind. But I also hate myself and it does feel relieving to a very small location in my brain, to take out my frustrastions onto myself.

So I've been asking myself one question since this all happened yesterday. Should I give up? I mean again, logically the answer is no. But I felt so fucking embarrassed and ashamed of myself yesterday, that I also logically know there's no way for me to ever psychologically recover from that post, and be able to talk with those people again. I feel especially bad since that person was kind enough to reach out to me directly and invite me to that server. I actually used to dream of exact scenario's like that, as embarrassing as it is to say. That was such, SUCH a golden opportunity, and I feel so guilty for having thrown it away in the most disrespectful way that I did. It's horribly rude of me to only make 5 posts in two months after someone invites me like that, no other way about it. I was disrespectful, and no wonder I feel like a nuiscense.

I don't think that person will ever read this, for the better. But on the off chance... and if I'm being honest, in the slightest hopes. I'm sorry. Thank you for the great opportunity and don't feel bad about this. My issues are my own responsibility.

And now here I am, a day before my brother's birthday, a day before I go back to my physically demanding job, sitting here and laying in my bed with my laptop after playing three hours of Disco Elysium, having to correct the words I mis-spell, starving from only eating Cheez-itz and poptarts. Thinking to myself. I went so many years without friends before, why can't I just do it again? I think I fufilled my social needs by reading visual novels, I think Little Busters actually made me feel like I had a real friend group, even earlier when I was still lonely in highschool and how the Persona games made me feel like I was an actual high school student with friends. I think I can fufill my social needs with media? Maybe that Blind Melon - No Rain song said it best. "And all I can do is read a book to stay awake And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape" I'm just escaping.

What is next for my life? Can I ever actually socialize and build connections? I don't think it's possible anymore. Especially since every interaction I have, I feel pain, I feel guilt, I feel like I'm ripping the precious time away from others. And I know that people don't see it that way, that it's never bad to talk with others, even I know that time spent with others is never a waste. But goddamnit, I'm boring, I can't articulate myself, I cannot even speak my true point of view. They say that ADHD brains develop 30% slower than the average person. I'm 25, that's still young, although I always believed as a kid I would die in my 30's, and now I live with a not unfounded belief that I could be murdered once someone gets out of jail. So while I am young, I also have not developed any skills an adult should have by now, I mean I didn't start driving until last year. While I know I can improve, I can only do so VERY slowly. So what? Will I be a slightly more social person when I turn 30? Will I be able to naturally speak online on Discord by that age? Something the vast majority of people have zero issues with.

I don't feel like a living creature. I cant socialize, I can't write my thoughts, I can't verbalize my thoughts, my body language is lethargic, I have no energy, I don't make eye contact, I can't even make noises at work 60% of the time. At least I shower and shave and keep my room clean-ish. I can't communicate to others, to the world. There's lots of art that talk about this sort of thing and usually the character always finds some outlet to communicate with others through. I thought mine was videos, I thought it was artwork, I thought it was writing. But I don't even have the skills to express myself through that, I don't think I ever had. One of my favorite quotes comes from Nakatani Nio on the very last authors note of Bloom Into You, it reads... fuck. I lost it in the fire but off of my memory it goes something like "I love people who create things, I can be a thought, words, or even action." damnit, I messed up the quote big time. I really forgot it? I guess what matters is that I still feel something with that quote.

There's many ways to express yourself and your creativity. And I'm not good at any of them. And I think the fact that my social skills will never reach a level that I can be comfortable with, scares me so much, that the only thing I can do is run away. And no one should ever be as pathetic as me. I think everyone on this Earth has value, and I can at least be comfortable with the fact that my value can be a lesson in what not to do in life. Don't be scared. Don't live in fear.

I think my life is done for, and I think I'll eventually make peace with that. And maybe, playing Disco Elysium and experincing other art will make me feel better again and make we want to improve. Maybe I need to replay Persona 3 once again. That game saved my life once, maybe it could do the same again?

To anyone who has read this, I'm so sorry to have taken up your time. To myself and the awful promise I made of having a video out this month, I'm sorry for being a liar. To the person who invited me to that server, thank you for the opportunity, and I'm sorry I threw it away. To the person who was kind enough to follow my Neocities, sorry for making a depressing ass post popup on your homescreen. I'm an extremely embarrassing person, I really should not ever, under any circumstances make a post like this public. I logically know that's a mistake, but I hope I can be a more honest person with others one day. And letting everyone know that I'm a cringy person, is at least an honest attempt at that.

To anyone that has read this, I really do think it would be funny to post my actual social security number like I promised last post, but that would negatively effect my family so I can't do that. And I also really wanted to buy a Steam game for anyone who read this, but for similar reasons I also can't do that. So, sorry I can't give anything back in return. Anyways, here's a video I like. Disco Elysium animation - IzzyBn Art I love this animation so much, it got me back into playing the game. I love the power of people being creative, it's the most powerful thing in the world.